


Your touch is far too cruel

by Within_the_pit



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Buckys shitty childhood, Graphic flash backs, M/M, PTSD, Past hurt, Present hurt, Rape, Sadness, Steve is worried, Vent Writing tbh, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 15:35:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13907046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Within_the_pit/pseuds/Within_the_pit
Summary: He could hardly recognize the face staring back blankly in the mirror.Cheeks once soft now jutted out, pouting lips gnawed raw. Touching his face, his own flesh felt cold to the touch.his hair plastered to his paling skin, he began to towel off. It had grown long, he couldn't remember  the last time he had it cut nor did he care. But that was his problem these days it would seem, he cared far too little for his own good.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ahahshshshshs ive been putting this off for so long that my own writing started to appeal to me, so here i am posting it!!  
> This is dedicated to all the people i love who have been assaulted by those theyve trusted

 

Steve was afraid, that's the only way he could think to describe the feeling he got as he gazed over james’ sleeping form. The feeling he got as he left for work praying that by the time he got home he'd still have someone to come home to. The fear that whatever was going on, whatever had consumed bucky was going to blow up in their faces and once it does, nothing will bring them back.

 

The apartment they lived in was the same closet they'd been in since one 18 year old stevie rogers had convinced buck to move out with him.it had taken a lot of persuading and many a words match with Mr. Barnes, in the end bucky ended up with a shiny new key and strict instruction to call home every day.

It wasn't that they lived in shoe box, they have two bedrooms,a bathroom and a decent sized living room but it was nearly impossible not to run into each other constantly. So it did a little more than startle him when bucky began to creep around his door at night. Like clockwork, every night at 10:30 steve could hear the soft shuffle of bucky's socked feet. Quiet as can be, god he's always so quiet now, he's been in his own self-inflicted solitude for so long and steve had no idea what to do when he wondered the hall. Was he going to come in? If he did what would do? After a few moments of hope when he hears the man outside his door shift his weight on their creaky wooden floors, he left. Leaving steve to turn his back to the door, his heart being with sadness.

 

::: ::: ::: 

He was screaming, crying, begging. Please, PLEASE let me go. He would do anything to be released ,to stop the hand roaming over his skin. they felt like razors slicing into his flesh. Couldn't anyone hear his screams? Did they care?  
He kicked and bit but his limbs wouldn't move. All he could hear was his voice, could only hear him speak.  
“You're a good boy Jamie, just hold still just a little longer and we can go to the park. Would you like that ,sweetie?”  
He felt a harsh hand rake through his hair, the man above him cooing to him. “Bucky, shh.” A kiss,”Buck.” Another…..”Bucky?”

::: ::: ::: 

Bucky’s eyes snapped open at the sound of his name,fat tears rolling down his cheeks. He could feel the bile rise in his throat. He instantly tensed when he felt the bed bow under Steve’s body as he sits. 

“Buck, you awake?”

Taking a deep breath he forced himself to his elbows to look at his friend. Praying to whomever’s ever god would listen that Steve didn't see his tears.  
God, Steve’s smile almost seemed pained, “Hey, pal. I-I wanted to see if you maybe wanted to come to the store with me?”he said hesitantly. 

God ,He wanted to go back to sleep, tuck tail and hide beneath the covers for another eternity but he knew that would only supply him with more dreams. His stomach turned at the thought of leaving the apartment. He didn't want to let Steve down again though…....

“If that's what you want,”Bucky’s voice was hoarse as if he had overly exerted himself already by just opening his mouth. The surprise on Steve’s face was palpable, “ i,” he started, “i want you to wanna come buck”.

He huffed, scrubbing a hand over his scruffy face as he leans forward in the bed. He nods slowly, “ i do just,”- he sighs-” just let me get dressed, okay?” As Steve stood to leave, he hesitated.The hand by his side moving as if he wanted to try and calm the hectic tendrils of Bucky's hair.

And bucky almost wishes he would, he missed his comfort, his warmth. The simple joy he only felt when they would just let themselves be .  
Steves fingertips grazed lightly against his cheek only to be pulled back, he drowned in a wave of loss as the warmth of steve's hands left him. Fresh tears fall as he leaves the room, leaving bucky in the dark once again.

 

::: ::: :::

Bucky looked a little better when they left for the store. He wore his backpack over a his baggy black hoodie,messy hair pulled into a low bun with a hat pulled down to cover bloodshot eyes,but Steve didn't care. He was overjoyed that Bucky had not only spoken to him but also came along.

He grabbed a cart that looked the least likely to break down and began to happily push it down the nearest aisle as Bucky trailed behind the squeaking cart,wringing his hands. 

Steve spent more time pointing out childhood snacks more than he did shopping.  
Laughing, and showing the italian ice they would share in the summer whenever they had the money to spare or  
the strange strawberry hard candies that Bucky had somehow managed to ruin his braces with. 

He was smiling down at gummy vitamins when he noticed Bucky wandering off down through the racks.  
He moved robotically as if he himself had no idea where he was going.

“Hey buck? Whatcha going after?”

Not responding, Bucky stops and began rummaging through the shelf in front of him until he found what he was looking for. 

Steve’s smile melts away in concern at Bucky's dazed actions, leaving the buggy he stepped closer.  
”Bucky, what is it?”

::: ::: :::

God it was bright .

Then fluorescent lights of the market singed him, causing him to hood his eyes further with his hat.  
Once his eyes adjusted to his surroundings he realized he recognized the store he was in.  
The Halberts on 11th  
His ma and daddy had bought their groceries here since he was a boy, it was where they had gotten becky's cake from for her twelfth birthday…….  
He remembers it well; the cake had been white with purple flowers, becky's face was pure bliss when she came home surprised that bucky and their Ma had spent all afternoon decorating the house.

Warmth stirred in bucky's chest at the memory.

Distracted by his thought he nearly ran into steve, who was on a tangent about this or that food from their childhood. He smiled it was rare nowadays to see steve so happy.

Steve was going on about how one halloween bucky snatched all of the arcor candies mrs.peterson would put out. He had eaten them with such intent he had broken a bracket on his braces.  
He had hurried home quick as he could after that. Hopeful that if he came out with it quick enough maybe he'd be let off the hook 

::: ::: :::

His back side was on fire, absolutely a flamed.

He was bent over his bed with his pants and boxers around his ankles, his father behind him belt in hand.  
He was seething, his face determined with every powerful swing. He was waiting now though. He had ask bucky a question.

Bucky pressed his bleeding mouthing into his sheets, trying to muffle his cries.  
“ james, i asked you where you thought money comes from?”  
He felt a tender hand rub into his burning flesh.  
“ answer me.”

He lifted his face swallowing down the blood and saliva that coated the walls of his throat.  
“ y-you and Ma work, and so it comes from that.” he croaked.

The hand on his exposed flesh began to dig harshly into his ass as his father growled.  
“ damn right, an you just go right ahead a wasted 8,000 dollars. You ungrateful bitch.”

He cried out as the belt hit him again.  
“I'm sorry daddy…”, he whispered, holding back a sob.

Deciding his son's ass was the right shade of purpling red, he tossed the belt next to him.

“Cover yourself and go get your mama`s vitamins. Come back quick your punishment ain't done yet.”

Bucky scrambled to stand and pull his underwear and pants over himself and practically ran out his room.

::: ::: :::

Times seemed to slow when steve reached for bucky. His hands were shaking, steve couldn’t tell what he was holding. it looked like a bottle.

Concerned,he lays a hand lightly on bucky’s shoulder to turn the man so that he could look at him. 

 

::: ::: :::

Bucky was trembling, and the moment he felt a hand land on his person he pales. His stomach churned and revolted once turned, soiling the front of his hoodie.He loosens his grip on the vitamins in his hand letting them go.

At the sound of glass shattering, the world seemed to fade out to white.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small exert of buckoos journal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a mini chapter until i finish chapter two, whoops im so nervous XD

July 4,2016

My skin is burning from your touch, your gaze is like the sun.  
you scorch me as our lips meet,  
and your smile is as dazzling as the stars.  
Place your hands around my hips and burn your claim into my flesh,  
I can hardly breathe.  
You steal my breath and make me love the way i suffocate.  
Strong as the sun yet gentle as the moon Lover,  
Lover won't you scorch me yet again

 

 

 

Aug 10,2016

Becca called today,,,   
She called to tell me about daddy, she called to tell me hes gone.  
That he died. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel strange, like empty but blistering?

 

 

 

Aug 24,2016

Fuck ma called steve about daddy, told em she was worried bout me.  
Shes never been concorned worrid cared bout my fuckin ass since the womb, tryin to go behind  
My back an tellin steve bout it. And that moterfucr motherfuckr tried to tell me bout closure   
When his stubborn as s hasnt even seen his ma in like a year even tho she keeps callin me, i wish they'd talk :(

I don need your pity, stevie  
rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hate it? Do you like it?  
> Tell me!! Constructive criticism is a very needed thing

**Author's Note:**

> Gaaaaaah was that okay??  
> Shit if i know, i hope yall enjoyed it and if you did let me know!!!!!


End file.
